Are you Engaged and Anxious? All about Wedding Anxiety with Gina Palmeri

Alyssa:
All right, welcome to the Wedding Reporter Podcast. And today I have a very special guest with us. This is Gina Palmieri. And Gina is a relationship anxiety coach in Nashville, Tennessee. And after working through her own relationship anxiety before getting married in 2017, she now coaches men and women to help them confidently navigate this life transition to live their happily ever after.

She loves helping her clients restore their self-trust and heal their anxiety from the root instead of just coping with band-aid solutions. Amazing. Gina also has a photography business and runs the tour company Photo Walk Nashville, where she loves giving brides and bachelorettes a fun and memorable experience. Welcome, Gina.

Gina Palmeri:
Thank you so much. I’m so excited to be here.

Alyssa:
Yeah, I’m so excited to chat with you again. It’s been a while and I feel like we saw each other at an event at some point, but it’s always great to see your face and I’m so happy to have you on the podcast. Yeah, so let’s jump right in. I know you have quite the story to tell from when you got engaged right before 2017, and can you just tell us from your own experience?

Gina Palmeri:
Thank you so much. Thanks for having me.

Alyssa:
I’d love to know how you overcame being anxious during your engagement because I know a lot of brides and couples deal with this emotion.

Gina Palmeri:
Yeah, absolutely. So a little bit about my story is that I was engaged to my high school sweetheart and we had been, yeah, we had been together for eight years and we even did like the whole long distance thing for college and we had an amazing relationship. I mean, he was my best friend, we grew up together, there were zero red flags, you know, it was, everything was great. I had always been an anxious person and I’ve always struggled with more like general anxiety so um you know that also came in with big life transitions so that was like first day of school you know going off to college moving all those big things and so when he proposed after that my anxiety was at like an all-time high and I’m talking this went on for like months and months and it was just, it was awful. I just couldn’t stop over analyzing everything about my relationship. I was questioning if I was making the right decision, um you know, is he the one? Am I even old enough to know what love is? All the things and I’d even start like nitpicking his appearance just to try to like justify, you know, why I couldn’t marry someone with such bushy eyebrows, you know, like all those little things. And you know at a time when this was supposed to be the happiest time in my life, I was actually really miserable. And this just like went on and on until one night I actually said like, I can’t marry you. And I thought that was yeah, I thought that was the only way to stop feeling anxious. But actually it just like made everything worse. Like I felt so much worse after that. Um, so this is when I really started to understand that what I was feeling was so much deeper than our relationship and you know, anything that had to do with him and you know, I started doing some inner work and that’s when everything changed for me. And you know, I realized, you know, my self-trust was pretty much non-existent because I never had to make decisions for myself and I didn’t really trust that I even could. And basically, you know, I was, you know, just trying to look for other people for validation and I had very little confidence, I had very low self-esteem, and once I started doing the inner work on myself, this is really when everything started to change and I started being so much more like confident. And share of myself and not only was I able to overcome my engagement anxiety, I was able to become this version of myself that I didn’t even think was possible. And yeah, and so, you know, I was able to start my own business. I was, you know, just feeling like a whole new person. And so, you know, all of this to say, I’m actually really grateful that I did go through this engagement anxiety because like something had to catapult me into living this, you know, version of like the life I was meant to be living. And so fast forward six years now, we’ve been married and I can honestly say it’s been the best six years of my life. Like I truly have never been happier. Yeah, and I look back and I’m like, I can’t believe like I almost let anxiety steal this joy for me. So yeah.

Alyssa:
Wow. Yeah. Totally. Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I know it’s like we hopped right in and it’s like let’s get vulnerable right away. So yeah, I think you understand this too, because of what you’re doing, it’s like your story can help so many other brides out there who are feeling those feelings of anxiety or like questioning everything. And it’s like that moment when you say yes is such a big step for so many people that it starts bringing up all of these things from your past or emotions that you may not have had before. And so I love how with your story, it’s like you didn’t give into that. You did inner work and you overcame it. And I think a lot of times, maybe when people are feeling this, it’s like they do just give up because of a feeling that they have and they base their love off of that feeling. But knowing that, you know, marriage is a commitment and if you really are seeing that person for who they are, going through all of that pain and all of that, all those inner emotions and things, overcoming it can really bring you on the other end of things to really have a happy life and to have a happy marriage and to know that you have six years under your belt of a happy marriage, it’s like, wow, your story is such a testimony to other people who are going through this.

Gina Palmeri:
Oh, thanks. Yeah, I just really wanted to put it out there because, you know, if I can just help one other person get through this and, you know, get to the other side. I, when I first blogged about this years ago. I was just blown away by the amount of people that have reached out to me about them struggling with the same thing and there’s really not a lot of resources about it out there. So that’s why I decided to start engaged and anxious just to help other people get through it too.

Alyssa:
Yeah, for sure. And yeah, I think just having that engaged in anxious resource, which is a course of yours, correct, that you’ve started and have available for brides and couples to purchase, correct.

Gina Palmeri:
Yeah, I actually have a couple different resources now so we can talk about that. But yeah, I, I’ve just, you know, been pouring some love into this brand and just want to give everyone all I’ve got to help them. So

Alyssa:
Ah, awesome. Yeah. That’s so cool. So let’s dive into some questions about maybe if you are a bride who’s feeling anxious about everything, maybe can anxiety start before your engagement or is it usually after an engagement?

Gina Palmeri:
Yeah, so it can really be either or. I talk to a lot of people who like the moment they get engaged, like literally that day, the anxiety just hits them like a ton of bricks. Others, it could take some time to sink in and usually what happens then is like when things start getting real, right? Like when they book the venue or when they buy the dress, like that’s when it starts to hit. And then I have a whole other group of people that I talk to who they’re not actually engaged yet, but they know that it’s coming. And so it’s already started, like the anxiety is already started just to like the idea of being engaged. So there’s not only like one size fits all for this type of anxiety, it can be called relationship anxiety, it can be called engagement anxiety. I kind of use those terms interchangeably. But I rarely see it hit after getting married. It’s more so like the catalyst of the life transition. So the engagement as the center of it.

Alyssa:
Gotcha. Yeah. And that’s the thing with anxiety too is like you can’t just turn it off and on. It’s like it comes when it comes and you know you have to walk through that. So yeah and it is and we’re all different human beings so it’s going to come at different points for all of us. So you kind of mentioned like okay when somebody buys a dress or like when they see the ring, like these different sort of like monumental points of an engagement or the wedding planning process. What are some of those factors in the process that can cause it? Is there anything else that you kind of wanted to expound upon as far as like in the planning process?

Gina Palmeri:
Yeah, absolutely. So, I mean, we all know wedding planning is very stressful in general. I mean, there’s a whole other type of anxiety that can come just with, you know, planning this huge event that you’re, you know, you have going on. But who I work with is mostly those who are feeling anxious, not just about the wedding itself, but like more so the life transition that comes with it. And like we said, like, getting married, it’s a huge life transition, right? And so it’s only, yeah, it’s only natural that it would cause anxiety, especially if you’ve dealt with anxiety in your past or you’re just an anxious person. Like it only makes sense that you would be feeling anxious with this huge life transition. So if you’re someone who’s thinking right now like, am I making a mistake? How do I know they’re the one? Is this the right decision? And all this doubting, you know, starts to come in and your anxiety just takes off. You know, it can be really debilitating. So first and foremost, I’m going to say like, I feel you and I know that if you are experiencing this, it’s a really, really a struggle. And I know it was really debilitating for me, especially if you have the intrusive thoughts that come with it. And that can get into like relationship OCD. And I’ve had that and that’s really rough too.

Gina Palmeri:
So basically I try to help you figure out like why this is happening because actually most of the time your anxiety doesn’t have to do with anything about your relationship or your partner. And when I say that, like people’s minds are blown and but that’s the truth. Yeah, it’s the truth because, you know, I ask my, you know most of the time I ask my clients, tell me about your relationship.

Gina Palmeri:
And they say, oh, my relationship is great. Like, you know, my partner is amazing. We’ve had, you know, great years together. I haven’t had any doubts until we got engaged or we talked about getting engaged. And so I do want to preface this, you know, this doesn’t apply if there’s any sort of like, you know, emotional or physical abuse or anything like that in your relationship, of course.

Alyssa:
Totally. Mm-hmm, yes.

Gina Palmeri:
But 99% of the time when I talk to my clients, they have a great relationship. And the thing is they think that there’s something wrong with their partner. And most of the time that’s just not the case. And so what we like to do is really find the root cause of what’s causing their anxiety. And this could be anything from a lack of self-trust, it can be the fear of growing up. It can be, you know, fear of abandonment, feeling like you’re not enough, you could be struggling with perfectionism. I mean, there’s, the list goes on, but it really boils down to something that is completely unrelated, that is manifesting as relationship anxiety. Yeah, and so when you start to address that root cause, that’s when you can start actually healing the anxiety from the root. And so I always say like this journey is not actually about healing the relationship with your partner. It’s really about healing the relationship with yourself.

Alyssa:
Wow, wow, that is huge. Because yeah, you would think with relationship anxiety or getting engaged that it would have to do with your partner or the other person involved. And it’s like, wow, when you really boil it down, it’s a lot of internal things that maybe you have dealt with as a child or growing up or the examples that you had in your life or things that have happened to you in your past that just start kind of like manifesting into your life. And so that’s really interesting point and I think that can be probably such a like a groundbreaking moment for somebody to realize, wow, all these other factors internally are really going on and it’s really not these outside factors that I originally thought it was.

Gina Palmeri:
Yeah, exactly. And it’s actually a point of hope for people because it’s like, okay, wait, I don’t actually have to deal with this person. It’s me that I have to work on. And it’s the things that I’ve been carrying and the things that I have to heal and the personal growth that I have to go through in order to be able to be ready to be the version of myself that can have this relationship in life that I want.

Alyssa:
Wow. Yeah, that’s pretty powerful for sure. Do anxious feelings during your engagement mean that you should end your engagement or relationship?

Gina Palmeri:
So I love this question because… a lot of people out there and it’s no fault to anyone, but if you know you have a friend come to you and they say you know I’m doubting my relationship, I think most people respond with you know if you have any doubts about your relationship then you shouldn’t be in that relationship and that you should run and that this probably isn’t the person for you and you know you’ve got to trust your gut and that can be really triggering for a lot of people because you know if you’re asking your friends and family you know you value their opinion and especially if you have that lack of self-trust and you’re looking for validation for other people to make a decision for you, that can be really, really hard. I know a lot of my clients said they’ve gotten this advice from people, but the truth is they don’t want to leave the relationship. They just want to feel better. They just want to feel happy and at peace. I’m not here to say you should be in a relationship or you shouldn’t. My whole thing is I want to equip you to feel confident and feel confident in your decision. And I’m just here to help you uncover why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling. And you know, most of the time, there isn’t a reason to end your relationship, you know, unless there’s a, you know, history of abuse or anything there. But the thing is, this, this can be a cycle. So say you do break up with your partner and the next person that comes along, you still could be feeling this way because it’s a cycle and unless you actually heal the underlying cause, it can happen with anyone. It’s not specific to the person that you’re with. I do like to say too that the mind likes to, like your mind likes to protect you.
And it doesn’t like change. And so your mind always is like, it likes to stay in the status quo. It doesn’t like anything that’s like a threat. And so getting married, this big life transition, your mind is actually perceiving your partner as a threat because it’s going to change the status quo. And your partner isn’t the threat. It’s really just like how your mind’s perceiving it to be.

And so therefore it’s like, okay, let’s activate your anxiety and like, you know, throw all these doubts in to try to make you, um, you know, get away from the threat because it doesn’t want you to open your heart to love. Because if you open your heart to love, you’re opening yourself to getting hurt. Right? And no one can control that. You never know what’s going to happen. But your mind is like, better not. We should probably just stay safe and, you know, not go into this, this new life chapter. So, yeah, it’s, it’s really wild, kind of like when you get into the, like, you know, how the mind works of why you’re thinking this way. Also, you know, I always like to preface this too by, if you are trying to confide in someone, even a therapist, just make sure it’s someone who is very well-versed in relationship anxiety, because this is a newer topic, newer thing, and a lot of people aren’t very familiar with it. And so I always say, try your best to not confide in you know, a lot of different people, because it’s just going to make you more anxious to get everyone else’s opinion. I’m like, I’m your girl now. If you want to talk to someone, come to me. I know exactly what you’re feeling because I’ve been there. So yeah, that’s what I always try to just remind people of too, is come to someone who really understands what you’re going through because otherwise you’re just going to get more confused.

Alyssa:

Oh, yeah, for sure. And it’s like a lot of people’s outside voices to, I’m sure, inject their own opinions into your relationship. And, you know, it’s like your relationship is really just between the two of you and letting other people kind of like, you know, put their spin on things and you start believing that. It could be completely false. And so you’re right, having a therapist or someone like you who has been through it to really guide them through this whole process is so important. And with a, you know, somebody who’s not biased to one side or the other, where you can really, like you said, get to the root cause of what’s going on. So then the healing can begin really internally.

Gina Palmeri:
Exactly. Yep.

Alyssa:
And then it just flows externally after that. Yeah, this is all so good. And like you said, it can almost be like a defense mechanism where it’s like your walls start going up because you are making this next step, making this next commitment where it’s like you’re putting or you’re supposed to be putting down your walls and you get more vulnerable. And it’s like, if you’re not used to that already and making this lifetime commitment to somebody that can be very scary.

Gina Palmeri:
Exactly, absolutely.

Alyssa:
Yeah. So let’s go on the other side of it. How can you overcome anxiety during your engagement and follow through to a happy marriage, which we did talk about a lot, but what kind of what’s that next transition?

Gina Palmeri:
Yeah, absolutely. And really, it just comes down to doing the work. Like, you know, it’s just time to do the inner work. And when you think about it, it’s actually a really good time to do that right now when you’re going through any sort of life transition. That’s a great time to do personal growth or personal development work and, you know, gain some personal growth so that you can become the best version of yourself in general. You know, so I would say first you’re going to want to get to the root of it. You’re going to then want to become aware of it and really start understanding like, you know, why you’re operating the way you’re operating. And then you’re going to start your healing journey. And so that’s where I come in. If you don’t know where to start, because I’m sure some people are like, I feel this way, but like, where do I even start with, you know, doing her work? And so, yeah, that’s kind of where I come in. So I designed a bunch of resources that all use the same process I used to help me when I was going through this that I customized for you and even included like way more now because I’ve you know just learned so much through the years as well helping other people and so it’s really designed to help you start healing and also just starting to rebuild your confidence so that you can feel good in this season of your life. That’s all I really want for you is to start enjoying this season because I know everyone’s always like, and you see it on Instagram, everyone’s just, you know, in that glow of, you know, engagement bliss. And for a lot of people, that’s just not the case. And that’s where my heart goes out to those people who I just want to help them start actually enjoying this time. And so what I did was I actually wrote a guidebook. Specifically, yeah, for anyone that’s going through any sort of relationship anxiety. And so in this guidebook, there are a, first of all, it helps you understand what’s going on and helps you uncover the root cause of your anxiety, which is going to be a game changer for you. And then, yeah, definitely once you have that, like, you know, game changer, you can really start rolling.

Alyssa:
That’s huge.

Gina Palmeri:
And then it also has tons of exercises and resources. I’m gonna start, that’s gonna be a new word. Yeah, I like extra sources. I’m gonna use that, that’s a good new word.

Alyssa:
I like extra sources. I know. I know. That’s good. I like that.

Gina Palmeri:
But lots of exercises and resources that are, you know, can help you get through this. And so that is two options. You can instantly download it and type it out on your computer or you can buy it on Amazon. You can buy it right on there. Yeah. And then things. And then I also have a self-guided program and an opportunity to work with me one on one if you kind of want that more personalized coaching as well that I can definitely help you with. And that seems to be the case for like the guidebooks, a really good place to start. And then if you need some extra support doing that one-on-one with me, definitely has been a game changer. I’ve had multiple people say that, you know, just one session with me was more helpful than like multiple months of therapy. So it’s really just about, yeah, I just like to really just like go right in for you know, getting down to the nitty gritty of it to start helping you. And I think just because I definitely have been, you know, in your shoes that, you know, I can definitely just get right into it to help you start healing. So, yeah, that’s what I would say.

Alyssa:
That’s amazing. And wow, what a great resource, all the great resources that you’ve provided and also just your time to do the one-on-one sessions. I think that is going to help so many people and it already has from clients that you’ve spoken to and everything. And it’s like a big reason that I wanted to interview you about this was because I’m in a lot of wedding.

Facebook groups right now and this question comes up so often is like I am so anxious about XYZ in my relationship or with external factors blah like what do I do and it’s like Gina knows like she has an amazing resource and it’s like you can get through this you can overcome it and you know through the struggle you can persevere and so that’s such a great message that you were just bringing to this wedding community. And I’m so thrilled to just have you on this podcast. And was there anything else that you wanted to share about your resources? And we’ll definitely link everything in the show notes of like where we can get all of this. But do you have an Instagram where people can find you?

Gina Palmeri:
Yeah, absolutely. Thank you so much for that. I appreciate those kind words too. Um. So yeah, all of my resources can be found at engagedandanxious.com. And you can, like I said, instantly download that guidebook if you want to. There’s a link to the Amazon link. And yeah, for definitely coming into the new year, I think this is just a really good time if you wanted to do a one on one session just to start off the new year and get excited about, you know, the future that I would love to help you with. I also have an Instagram. It’s engaged and anxious and actually have a real going viral right now that I would love for y’all to check out. So it just proves, yeah, it just proves like you said, like this problem. Not a lot of people really like to talk about it because it is, you know, one of those things where it’s like, oh, I’m, you know, I’m engaged. I shouldn’t be saying I have doubts about my relationship and it can be kind of embarrassing. And so, you know, when people find me or they go on these Facebook groups, it’s, you know, it is a very vulnerable state to be in. And so I just want to let you know, if you are, you know, anyone who’s struggling with this right now, that you are definitely not alone. And this is a very normal feeling to be feeling right now. It doesn’t mean that, you know, your relationship is doomed. It’s definitely something that you can work through. And that you can get to the other side, because I’m living proof of that. So if anything, I’m here on the other side and I’m so grateful that I was able to work through it and let myself have the happiness that I always wanted. So if you just resonate with that at all, I want to let you know that I am here for you.

Alyssa:
That’s awesome, Gina. Like, thank you so much for just sharing your story, opening up to us, and sharing all about being engaged in anxious. This is such a huge help. So thank you so much. Yeah, it was so great. Thank you so much. We’ll talk soon.

Gina Palmeri:
Oh, of course, Alyssa, it was so good to chat with you. Thank you for having me.